（最游记同人）镜里镜外(23)

"Very human."

"How belittling," the other chided blandly, "but perhaps that is what loss of blood does to one. In all honesty, I never expected you to go that far."

Where's Kenren, he wondered though he didn't bother to voice it. "How far is far?"

"Resorting to human carelessness." the reply was automatic and well programmed- courtesy of Heaven's grooming.

"Who's careless?"

"Risking your life for a subordinate...anyone, it reveals a dependence kami should be above feeling. To debase yourself in this manner..." He was just a voice.

"It makes me feel like myself. Perhaps debased. My face rubbed in the dirt, perhaps. Perhaps with the terror of feeling mortal." A quirk of a smile lifted the sides of his lips. Shien could feel it. "I like it."

"You're nothing more than a human in a god's body." Nataku's soldier replied soberly, without the full knowledge of his words, before standing up and taking a seat by the closed window. He opened it a crack, letting the cool night air waif inside. It ruffled the blankets and the papers of nearby books Hakkai was sure he had shelved earlier that day. Shien must have been here for a while.

"Oh, I think my case is worse than that, but I'm not very interested in talking about myself at the moment. The soldiers..."

Shien was looking out into the distance now. "In the barracks, probably doing as they please. Playing with women most likely. Very animalistic, revolting. I hesitate to speak openly in the court about this...situation. It is not my place."

"This can't end well." Hakkai said.

"It is not my place to think of how it will all end. I take orders from Nataku-sama who, I fear, might not be capable of handling the situation. The farthest I go is informing you."

"So that I can end it."

"If you can."

This was conspiracy, if nothing else. And if nothing else, he was absolutely the wrong person for the job. This was Tenpou's field entirely, a man a trillion years wiser than Hakkai was. Infinitely more skilled in underhanded diplomacy, and an infinite other things that would make way for an infinite number of reasons why the healer should give a flat out: No, do your own dirty work. It was a typically Sanzo-esque reaction, yes, but the priest was, if nothing else...extremely practical and wise in an alcoholic, chain-smoking, and sullen sort of way.

But the thought of Sanzo triggered other things in Hakkai's mind. Made him think of rainy nights when the blonde would sit by the window staring, just like Shien was doing now, waiting for nothing, yet expecting everything to implode at any moment because that was just how he felt because the rain did that and the rain did many things and the rain made many things become remembered even though they shouldn't be remembered. And he remembered how hard it rained that night and how it pained him so much to hear it thundering in his ears like some omnipotent doom that would first seduce him then burn him to ash. Kanan was ash. Burn, burned and then he noticed that it never seemed that heaven would ever ever ever have rain because heaven is perfect and heaven is nice, and heaven is peaceful and heaven is completely oblivious of anything that the humans would suffer down below. Apathetic heaven. Sweet and charming...apathetic...and just for show. Slutty heaven. You deserve your share of heat...

He stopped himself, jerked himself from that train of thought as if he were forcing himself out of an impending nightmare before sleep had completely taken over and he would be rendered helpless. "That's not me either." Hakkai whispered, bringing his hand to touch the uncuffed ear. He suddenly felt like a wolf in sheep's clothing. Hungry like the rest of them. "But still...how can you get rid of the rotten pillars of a pavilion without sending the entire structure crashing down?"

"We'll salvage what we can. Heaven tends to survive that way." Shien sounded nonchalant, as if by giving Hakkai the responsibility, the sacrilege was off his chest. "Heaven itself is incidental. Break it right through the middle. I hold no concern for it for I only serve Nataku-sama and he is not of it."

And it reminded Hakkai of his university days...

The noble human being does not sin, the profound poet wants to tell us: though every law, every natural order, even the moral world may perish through his actions, his actions also produce a higher magical circle of effects which found a new world on the ruins of the old one that has been overthrown.

- Nietzsche in "The Birth of Tragedy"

...he never really thought about it too much. Not until now. But he wasn't noble. Kougaiji was noble. Yaone was noble. Pure hearts, he could sense. But never in himself. Nobility easily shifts into carelessness, giving no indication of the transformation until the final deed is executed. By that time, it is already too late, the world destroyed.